Save Me
by i.anachronism
Summary: The first month was probably the worst. After that months passed like days. Rated Teen for mentions of substance abuse


**I got a candle  
And I've got a spoon**

I can't remember how long it's been; wither it days, weeks, months or years. I don't remember the day it all started, or the first thing I did. But I do remember what started it, and who it was that gave it to me.  
It was on a rainy day, that's about all I can remember, I was just wandering, looking for anything to keep me holding on. It reminded me of the day that I realized that I loved you, and I admitted it. But by that time it was too late, and you were already out of reach.  
I walked down a dark alley, not caring what happened to me, and there I met him. He was a dark man, mysterious, but I guess you have to be in that business. I know it wasn't to heavy, and that it felt good. But it brought tears to my eyes, knowing I was doing this to you.

And that was the day my life ended.

**  
I live in a hallway with no doors  
And no rooms**

I became an empty shell, not caring what happened, or who it happened to. All that matter was the drug, the escape, the solace.  
It wasn't something I ever wanted, but I guess you just get to a point where you stop caring, and I had gotten to that point.

My life had become a spiral downwards. I had completely given up on my life goals, and I had turned to something that would eventually destroy my life. But to me it didn't matter, as long as it was painless.  
I would watch my life spiral out of control, and then deteriorate. And to me it was heaven.  
Life became blended; I didn't know what day it was, or how long I had been under the influence. I became isolated, and a wanderer. But one thing was still important to me, and that was you.

**Under a windowsill  
They all were found**

"Are you ok?" The person asked shining a flashlight down the alley I was sleeping in.  
I got up and rubbed my eyes. "I'm fine; you want to turn that light off?"  
"Sure," the light clicked off and the person came down the alley and picked me up.  
I hugged on to them, and immediately felt peace. This person had a familiar smell.  
"I love you," I heard the person whisper as they laid me down on what felt like a bed. They quietly lied down beside me and fell asleep. I instinctively wrapped my arms around them. They stiffened and then relaxed against my touch.

**  
A touch of concrete within the doorway  
Without a sound**

The next morning I woke before them, and quickly, quietly left the house.  
I cried all the way to the corner, I then popped a bottle out of my pocket, and put about six pills in my hand, which I quickly popped into my mouth.  
"I would be careful with those if I was you," I kind voice said softly.  
"You got a problem with it?" I shot at them.  
"No, I would just rather you not do that."  
"Why do you care?" I asked sobbing softly. They put their arms around me. I started rocking back and forth, and sighing slightly. My eyes suddenly got wild and untamed, I let go of my legs, and let out an ear piercing scream as the drugs took a hold of my life again. **  
**

No one could save me.

**  
Someone save me if you will  
And take away all these pills  
And please just save me if you can  
From the blasphemy in my wasteland**

The person patiently waiting for the spasm to pass, and then took me back to their place. They drew hot water for a bath, and lowered me gently into the water.  
I sharply took a breath as the water passed over my bruises, but sighed as it relaxed my overly tightened muscles  
I gently got out of the bath, and waited for the dizziness to pass. I slipped on the black silk pajamas that the person laid out for me. I fell asleep almost immediately after I snuggled into the covers.  
I rested the better that night then I had ever slept in my life.

**How did I get here  
And what went wrong  
Couldn't handle forgiveness  
Now I'm far beyond gone  
**

"Get the fuck away from me," I yelled at her when she tried to touch me.

"I'm just trying to help," she pleaded.

"No your not, people stopped trying to help me years ago," I said as I started crying.

"I am trying to help. I won't turn my back on you like they did. I care about you," she said as she put her arms around me.

"But why?" I looked into her eyes, and realized it was the thing I had been dreading forever. She forgave me. "No," I whispered, and got up.

"What?" she asked confused.

"NO!" I yelled, and started running. The tears came streaming down my face as I ran outside into the rain.

The silvery pavement shone slightly in the moonlight, mocking me with an odd glare. The serene night turned painful as my screams filled the street. People looked out their windows, and passerby's stared with a pity filled look.  
I looked at them, and glared.

"What are you looking at?" I hissed. They quickened their pace, and got away from me as fast as they could. I gave one last defeated sob, and crumpled onto the street. I lay there in fetal position for what seemed like forever. The first rays of sunshine were lighting up the sky. Little patches of sunlight streamed from everywhere, although they never even got close to me.

**  
I can hardly remember  
The look of my own eyes  
How can I love this a life so dishonest  
It made me compromise  
**

I wandered from place to place, never stopping, never looking.  
I remember getting to L.A and wondering why I was back here.  
Why I ever let myself become the monster I was.  
I walked to his place, not knowing why I was there. He had given up on me a long time ago.  
I cautiously knocked on the door, and waited for someone to answer.

"Angel Investigations. We help the hopeless….." The person said strongly at the beginning but trailed off at the end.

"Hey Fred," I smiled looking deeply into her now ice blue eyes.

"It is not Fred," She said emotionlessly.

"Illyria," I smirked.

"Well come in," She said moving out of the doorway.

"Is Angel here?" I asked slowly, tasting his name. It had been a long time since I had been in this place, and it had really changed a lot. The entrance hall was brightly lit, but empty. It was normally never empty. I looked around trying to find something of familiarity, but there was nothing.

"Angel is upstairs, 3rd floor, 2nd door to your left."

I smiled slightly as I made my way of the many flights of stairs.

"Angel?" I asked, softly knocking on his door. "Angel?"

"Come in," He grumbled. I slowly opened the door.

"Oh my god. I never thought you would be someone I'd see again," He said, a look of shock and confusion on his face.

"Yeah, well things change. Lives change."

I made my way towards him.

"But has yours?" He asked looking at me with a sad look.

I looked at him the same way. "It has."

**  
Someone save me if you will  
And take away all these pills  
And please just save me if you can  
From the blasphemy in my wasteland**

"I'm here for you. Anytime you need me to be," He said as I got up and left the room.

"I know. Angel. I know."

And that was the day I stopped.**  
**

**The hardest question to answer  
Is why**

And now everyday I ask myself the same thing. How could I have ever enjoyed doing that to myself? How was that what I ever wanted? And the hardest question, Why?

**Someone save me  
Someone save me  
Somebody save me  
Somebody save me  
Please don't erase me**

It's the one thing I cannot answer. But it's not like it matter's know.

Buffy,  
Don't cry because of this. It was something I felt had to happen. I know that we had our problems, and I know that you still partially blame me for what I've done, even if you have forgiven me.  
This life was something I just couldn't hang on to anymore. I've seen to much, and I've done to much.  
You've always been forgiving, and I hope you can forgive me for this.  
I love you, forever and always.

Faith.  
PS. I ask nothing of you but this. Please do not forget me.

And with that last sentence, I finally felt at peace.  
And I finally faded away.


End file.
